One reader said she liked that I wrote of my own errors; saying it made her less critical and judgmental with her own.

Knowing how to cope with embarrassment at the time and learning to put it in perspective after the fact is something we all need in our psychological tool boxes.  Some readers reminded me, and rightfully so, that some embarrassments are not easy to laugh off, they’ve caused severe psychological damage; I’ll discuss the profound impact of certain kinds of embarrassment in minute.

What I was referring to in that blog was the minor faux pas that as humans we are bound to make as we trek though life, none of which ought to be put into the category of a catastrophe, and a sense of humor is a buoy for our morale when we find ourselves out to sea…and that we ought to be able to forgive ourselves for our imperfections, or our imperfect performances and missteps. To allow ourselves to be haunted forever over something that in the whole scheme of things is rather insignificant is a terrible waste of mind space, psychic energy and time. That’s the reason for the original blog on the subject; putting it into a realistic perspective enables you to let it go. Also keep in mind we are usually judged far more by our good qualities, our good character, personality  the good we do and overall good performances than our little slips on the path of life.

Now let’s discuss those kinds of embarrassments that have a serious negative impact on a person’s psychology. The blog prompted one of my readers to report that a moment’s discomfort was exacerbated to extreme psychic stress by his parents punishing him for having made a minor social faux pas; he was told that he was stupid, and was called a few other horrible names in front of neighbors. Another reader told me that her parents would tell the story of her error over and over again to visitors in their home, everyone enjoying the story while she was being made a laughing-stock. She still cringed when she thought about it; that childhood pain had resulted in severe social phobias; after reading my blog she decided to come into therapy with me to overcome them. Several people told me how they had been told they’d embarrassed their parents or siblings in some way which caused many of them to harbor a sense of guilt and shame, their self-esteem diminished, effecting their relationships and life.

The following report from a reader speaks reams of how some innocuous incident can me made into a painful event that has lasting effects:  “I was in my teens when a stranger on the street told me my under slip was showing; my friends teased me about it for ages, always mockingly checking to see if my slip was showing, making silly remarks about my slipping in my ability to dress myself properly. I know they were joking, but it was increasingly uncomfortable, so much so I became very self-conscious.”

Others have been ridiculed by school mates for their appearance or weight, or the way they dress; or because they are smarter or refuse to join a group. Just being a bit different is enough to draw negative attention to a child.  I’ve heard so many stories from my clients who suffered from the various impacts of those traumas; all too many teachers cause children embarrassment in front of the class. Often classmates ridicule each other for giving a wrong answer, or for stammering when reading out loud to the class. This is often the stimulus event that results in fear of public speaking, among many other negative consequences.

Bullying is a common method used to deliberately cause extreme embarrassment; children can be terribly cruel, as you know. And teasing is a form of torture that many children are subject to.

Children need to be raised from their earliest moments to be kind and considerate, to accept and respect differences, not only in size shape and color, also to never intentionally cause another person embarrassment: And it’s wise and loving parents who teach their children to deal with embarrassment in a healthy way, a way that enables them to rise above the situation and feel good about themselves regardless of what others think say or do.  Children need to know they don’t have to be like everyone else, or be perfect and that making an error  or being different isn’t a crime or sin; and they ought never to be punished or criticized for it.

The message needs to be, be true to yourself, just do your best; and if that’s not quite right or good enough sometimes, well, no big deal, learn and grow from the experience; and very importantly develop a sense of humor that enables you to laugh at yourself and not others. The most  valuable lesson to learn is that when you make an error or are not quite perfect in any situation, it doesn’t make you a bad person; you don’t need to feel shame if something you did  isn’t exactly the right or best thing at the time.  And we must teach young people how to develop an internal amour that prevents them from taking bullying personally or being permanently damaged by it. Of course it’s often easier said than done, and a positive outcome depends on many factors; for example, the sensitivity of the child, the kinds of support systems they have in their homes and community, and the quality of nurturing they receive from parents; ideally it’s the kind that builds a sense of self-worth, self-esteem and confidence; for those ingredients in a child’s life can offset for life the impact of embarrassment.

My mother taught me how to deal with bullying and embarrassment when I was a child. You see after world war two when anti-Semitism was rampant my siblings and I were hounded, harassed and physically abused by other school children, and even by teachers. Those lessons from my mother helped us retain self-respect, self-esteem and dignity in the face of violent behaviors towards us; which we were taught were motivated by prejudice and ignorance and not at all about who and what we were. Because of her wise handling of this awful situation I never felt shame; I would stand up straight in the face of an abuser; never reciprocating the negative actions of others. I felt it was a shame that such hatred could exist in the minds and hearts of some people, young and older.

There’s finally a strong movement towards putting an end to bullying.  Children today are encouraged to report incidents of bullying, yet many do not, for they feel insecure, they withdraw because they lack trust in the authorities.  When teachers and parents, or even neighbors learn of any kind of bullying they are responsible to address the situation immediately and put a stop to it before it results in tragedy, yet how many do? Tragedies occur all too often still. Parents need to know as well that you cannot and should not bully your child into what you want them to be. Embarrassing a child for not living up to expectations or being your ideal only causes  psychological stress and seldom produces your preferred outcomes; usually quite the opposite.

 The fact is though that many people actually bully themselves. Have you done that to yourself when you’ve made an error, whether witnessed by others or not?  Indeed, people can feel embarrassed even without an audience, which proves that just making an error can cause discomfort and frustration if you expect yourself to always do and be right. Being wrong or doing something wrong is terribly painful embarrassment for those whose egos are not strong enough: Those are the people who become defensive, make excuses and blame others when they have witnesses to their missteps, that’s definitely not a way to correct an error, it makes matters worse.

I once observed a gentleman in a mall who slipped and fell, picked himself up, and brushed himself off and then gave a deep sweeping bow to onlookers. That’s the kind of gracious acceptance of humanness that we all need. My admiration for that young man lingers today.

 Have you given yourself a hard time over things that proved your humanness? Stop and think…where did the idea come from that making a mistake, or not being perfect at all times and in all situations was deserving of shame and unforgivable?

Were your parents unrealistic in their expectations of you so that small errors were made into huge issues with shame attached? How often did your parents tell you they were ashamed of you? Or did they just imply that you disappointed them somehow when you didn’t perform perfectly? Where did you get the idea that being perfect is a requirement or else you are a failure?

If you can find the source of your self defacement, you can more easily begin the healing process. I’ve helped so many people heal from those kinds of abuses. You don’t have to suffer embarrassment forever after.

I also know that just talking about it, even writing about it here and giving advice isn’t going to heal you, or take away the memory of the kinds of embarrassment that have been so severe that the wounds have never healed. I know that healing must take place where the wound was inflicted, and all the neurological and psychological components of the issue have to be eliminated. That’s the reason I’ve created many different techniques to facilitate healing; and thank goodness for hypnosis and knowing how to employ it to nurture my clients from pain to comfort, to being at peace within and to having self-esteem, confidence and a sense of self-worth.

So if you are still suffering pain from embarrassment or a sense of shame that has continued to affect your life and self-esteem, reach out to someone who can help you heal from deep within your psyche. Until then, be kind and gentle to yourself; treat yourself as you would a dearly beloved child.

TTFN and all the best from Elaine

I’ve researched  the origins and author of the story, without success.  It came to me from my sister Vivienne in England. However,  I want to send my heart-felt gratitude to whoever  gave us this account  of a true story, may he or she be blessed with peace and joy.

A BEAUTIFUL STORY

 The brand new Rabbi and his wife were newly assigned to their first congregation to reopen a Shul (Synagogue) in suburban Brooklyn . They arrived in early February excited about their opportunities. When they saw their Shul, it was very run down and needed much work. They set a goal to have everything done in time to have their first service on Erev Purim. They worked hard, repairing aged pews, plastering walls, painting, etc., and on 8th of the Adar (February 17th) they were ahead of schedule and just about finished. On February 19 a terrible snowstorm hit the area and lasted for two days. On the 21st, the Rabbi went over to the Shul. His heart sank when he saw that the roof had leaked, causing a large area of plaster about 20 feet by 8 feet to fall off the front wall of the sanctuary just behind the pulpit, beginning about head high. The Rabbi cleaned up the mess on the floor, and not knowing what else to do but postpone the Erev Purim service, headed home.

On the way home, he noticed that a local business was having a flea market type sale for charity, so he stopped in. One of the items was a beautiful, handmade, ivory colored, crocheted tablecloth with exquisite work, fine colors and a Mogen David ( Star of David)  embroidered right in the center. It was just the right size to cover the hole in the front wall. He bought it and headed back to the Shul. By this time it had started to snow. An older woman running from the opposite direction was trying to catch the bus. She missed it. The Rabbi invited her to wait in the warm Shul for the next bus 45 minutes later. She sat in a pew and paid no attention to the Rabbi while he got a ladder, hangers, etc., to put up the tablecloth as a wall tapestry. The Rabbi could hardly believe how beautiful it looked and it covered up the entire problem area.

Then the Rabbi noticed the woman walking down the center aisle. Her face was white like a sheet. “Rabbi, “she asked, “where did you get that tablecloth?” The Rabbi explained. The woman asked him to check the lower right corner to see if the initials, EBG were crocheted into it there. They were. These were the initials of the woman, and she had made this tablecloth 35 years before, in Poland . The woman could hardly believe it as the Rabbi told how he had just gotten the “Tablecloth”. The woman explained that before the war she and her husband were well-to-do people in Poland. When the Nazis came, she was forced to leave. Her husband was going to follow her the next week. He was captured, sent to a camp and she never saw her husband or her home again.

The Rabbi wanted to give her the tablecloth; but she made the Rabbi keep it for the Shul. The Rabbi insisted on driving her home. That was the least he could do. She lived on the other side of Staten Island and was only in Brooklyn for the day for a housecleaning job.

What a wonderful service they had on Erev Purim . The Shul was almost full. The Service was great. At the end of the service, the Rabbi and his wife greeted everyone at the door and many said that they would return.. One older man, whom the Rabbi recognized from the neighborhood continued to sit in one of the pews and stare, and the Rabbi wondered why he wasn’t leaving. The man asked him where he got the tablecloth on the front wall because it was identical to one that his wife had made years ago when they lived in Poland before the war and how could there be two tablecloths so much alike? He told the Rabbi how the Nazis came, how he forced his wife to flee for her safety and he was supposed to follow her, but he was arrested and put in a camp. He never saw his wife or his home again all the 35 years between.

The Rabbi asked him if he would allow him to take him for a little ride. They drove to Staten Island and to the same house where the Rabbi had taken the woman three days earlier. He helped the man climb the three flights of stairs to the woman’s apartment, knocked on the door and he saw the greatest Erev Purim reunion he could ever imagine.

Based on a true story; God does work in mysterious ways! Take 60 seconds and give this a shot! All you do is simply say the following small prayer for the person who sent this to you:

“Hashem, bless all my friends and family in whatever it is that You know they may be needing this day! May their lives be full of Your peace, prosperity and power as they seek to have a closer relationship with You.

Omein.”

Then send it on to five other people, including the one who sent it to you. Within hours five people have prayed for you and you caused a multitude of people to pray for other people. Then, sit back and watch the power of Hashem work in your life.

P. S. Five is good, but more is better.

I usually don’t make the  kinds of request you’ve just read. Of course its optional.  And whether or not you believe in it, what’s the harm in sending out messages of peace and love to as many people as possible?  Who knows, something, somehow  something unexplainable any other way could happen.

Many happy returns of the best days of your life. I wish you well in every respect,

TTFN from Elaine Kissel

And, I’d like to add … please, some quiet too. No question we live in a noisy world; too noisy actually. The sounds that surround us have not been in the least modulated in any way to suit the spiritual aspects of the season; in fact everything seems to have gained in volume, regardless of whether or not we want to hear it. Christmas carols and other loud music is constantly overriding our voices and interfering with normal conversation in public places. In restaurants the music isn’t background, its foreground and intrusive; it only causes diners to raise their voices in attempts to be heard, adding to the din which destroys the ambience the establishment tried to create with decor. Stores, along with the occasional shrieking child, have popular vocalists screaming at us through the PA system … personally, I can’t say its music to my ears. The shrill voices invading my ears and disrupting my thought process are definitely not dulcet tones to sooth we weary shoppers. It causes me and all the others I’ve polled to hurry and get out of the store: so much for research into what makes shoppers want to stay and shop. I feel sorry for the staff that has to listen to that noise all the time. I’ve asked them how they cope with it; they sigh and shrug, “It’s a corporate decision. We have no control over it.”

Audiences applaud performers on talent shows who can raise their voices to a pitch that could shatter beer mugs: The louder the better for them it seems.They scream whoop and holler their approval; raucous behavior in theaters and other places of entertainment is encouraged:  Good thing it wouldn’t be tolerated in other in public places.

Loud music (sound tracks) overrides the dialog in movies, so lip-reading or closed captions are necessary to follow the story. Commercials threaten our hearing abilities with their loudness (the volume is increased automatically) and the accompanying music drowns out the sales pitch. News reporters shout into their microphones as if they don’t expect them to work, and we are threatened with deafness by goodness knows what else in today’s world.

So, what’s it all about? Is it that we have forgotten that loud noise is a form of pollution, stress inducing and a health hazard. It’s already well proven that it causes deafness. Is it possible the hearing of the general public is so far gone already as to need everything louder?  Do you need to have blaring music coming at you all the time, and everywhere you turn? I don’t.

 I think if enough people voiced their complaints to the right sources, things would get toned down quite a bit. It’s like so many other things in our lives, if we do nothing, which implies we are all right with it, or willing to put up with it, nothing changes. I suggest you do what I have done so many times; talk to store and restaurant managers, let them know you would rather not have the incessant extraneous noise; ask them to please turn it down or shut it off.  Also remind them not everyone likes the kind of music they are playing. Something soft and easy on the ears, and kind of neutral might be acceptable. If they tell you it’s a corporate policy (the excuses I’ve heard), tell them to report your dissatisfaction to corporate bosses. Better yet, you write to them, tell them they will lose your patronage if they continue to ruin your experience in their places of business.

Inner peace isn’t just about how we live within ourselves and our lives, or our belief systems; it’s also largely dependent on the environment outside of ourselves. Ask anyone living in a war zone. It also requires some quietness, a relief from the din.

Peace might be harder to achieve with the stresses of every day life, what with all the demands on your time and attention. However, you can find it in your own personal inner space when you know how to settle back, relax and go within and find a sanctuary of calm and comfort: a respite from the noise in your life.  Turn off the TV, have soft tranquil music playing, or no sound but that of your own breathing. I strongly recommend you take time to do that periodically during your days. It can be a sanity and life saver. And it’s time for everyone to realize quiet isn’t something we ought to have to fight for. We ought not to have to escape from where we live, shop and eat to find it. However, fight we must for what we need for our well-being.  In this case, if you are like me and many others who appreciate peace and quiet, I suggest you be loud and persistent enough to be heard and listened to by those who can do something about it. It won’t take an act of congress or any kind of government legislation. Actually there are already noise abatement laws in effect in almost every state, county and town. As with everything else in a free society, it will take enough people voicing their disapproval to make a change. So if you want to be free of annoying and disrupting noise, speak up!

I wish you genuine peace and quiet, in your inner and outer world, and a cheer filled holiday with everything you planned to make it special coming to fruition.

  TTFN and all the best, always, from Elaine Kissel

                             ”  Can you keep  a secret?”

               Braedin tells her sister, Layna Rose a secret.   

                                Photo by Deborah Kunnath.

What is it about the word Secret that gets the  alert attention of almost everyone? It certainly gets people to read past the headlines and tune into TV programs that promise to reveal secrets of every kind from the private lives of the rich and famous to the secret lives of plants and animals. Many magazines entice readers to buy their latest publication with the promise of secrets unveiled inside,  i.e. Readers Digest announces on many of its covers that doctors, nurses, pilots and other professionals will reveal as many as 50 secrets in one issue!  Many self-help professionals promise to share their secrets of success, for a price of course. The stamp on a document TOP SECRET declares there are secrets within, making it a must read for the curious. If you see a person whispering in someone’s ears, do you wonder what secret is being told? Do you try to eaves drop?

Being well-informed is important, and there is a natural fascination we humans have in the mysteries of life and all life forms. However, I cannot help but wonder what makes the notion of unveiling a secret so intriguing? And if it’s a secret, why is it so?

 I’ve used the word secret myself in advertising a lecture/workshop I’ve conducted called The Secrets of a Hypnotist… interestingly enough, it has been attended by a large number of hypnotists seeking to discover the secrets of my success, and lay people hoping for a peek into the private lives of my clients.  I do use case histories in an anecdotal way to help people relate to information I’m sharing. But I would never use names or confidential information in a way that is recognizable to my client or anyone else. What goes on my therapy room between me and my clients is a well-kept secret.  So other than the signed testimonials written by clients, no one other than family and friends are made privy to who my clients are or how they managed to make such wonderful changes, heal and improve their lives. Many do keep that they came to me a secret while others make many referrals to my practice.

When I was growing up I was told by my wise and wonderful mother, “If someone tells you a secret, it’s no longer a secret.” She also advised to inform the teller of that gfact.  And if made privy to a secret my mother admonished me to guard it with absolute integrity. I also learned from experience that quite often the person who confided in me has told others as well, for often someone else would soon be telling me the same secret I had so carefully kept to myself!

I’ve never betrayed anyone’s trust, yet it seems that in today’s voyeur society doing so has become acceptable to all too many. Revealing the secrets lives of influential and popular people in the news has become a sort of trade in its self, often with seriously harmful effects for those whose secrets have been exposed to public scrutiny; their shame and embarrassment is considered just another value tag to the story. Friends and family members are now surprisingly likely to spill the beans on each other and we can only guess in most cases their motives for doing so. Columnists make a living with gossip. while the popular press, TV and tabloids traffic in secrets and the public seems to be addicted to the often sordid content.  Like peeping Toms, many peer through the windows of other people’s private places and watch as their subjects lives fall apart under the public gaze. It’s also quite interesting to note how many of those in the public eye have little or no reserve when it comes to telling all the intimate details of their private trials and tribulations. The old saying, “Don’t wash your dirty linen in public seems to have gone out with the wash board.

I’ve never been as nosy as to want to know more than anyone chooses to tell me about themselves, of course other than what the therapeutic process demands me to know to help my client. I’m deeply interested in people; I enjoy biographies, autobiographies especially. Through my work I have peered into the inner minds and lives of countless people, and had the privilege of speaking directly with their subconscious, though with their consent and the most positive of all purposes. From nearly 40 years experience of having direct contact with the subconscious minds of thousands of people, I’ve learned more than the psychology books and courses ever taught me. I’ve studied all known and some lesser unknown schools of psychology and everything about the human mind and brain that I could get my hands on: I want to understand people. Yet I have an equally deep respect for the privacy of every person. I go on a need to know basis. Do you?

Honestly now, do you need to know other people’s secrets? What purpose does it serve you? Ask yourself that question. What are your reasons for wanting to know these things?  Is it a way for you to compare yourself to others i.e. you are either better or worse than they are? Are you seeking to bring those who have reached higher status down to your level, proving that they are no better than any of us, or looking for a common denominator among humans? Or are you to trying to see them with compassion and empathy, vulnerable to all of life’s challenges? Are you as curious about what causes them to behave as they do as you are in what they do? Or are you so lacking in interest and excitement in your own life and affairs that you find stimulation attending to those of other people? Does gossip give you something to talk about with others whereas without it you may be lacking in subject matter or conversational skills? Does it give you a sense of power to be able to tell someone something that is someone else’s secret, or do you feel it makes you special to have this otherwise secret information? Does it distract you from the troubles in your own life? Answering those questions honestly will reveal the secrets of your own motivation for giving your time and mind space to other people’s private matters.

Many movie stars and other public figures are often like children who thrive on any kind of attention rather than no attention, revealing some of their most inappropriate and deplorable behaviors, so the media can and does exploit them. Also many well-known people tell on interview programs and write in their own books about how they succumbed to drug and other addictions, then found their way back to healthy lives. It can be inspiring; however, their books are often read because people are interested in their failures as much as their successes. And yes, we all know that once in the public eye you are under observation exposing yourself to the risk of your private life becoming public and your faults and foibles headlines. Their secrets are never kept for long, whether or not they wish them to be.

With the privacy act protecting your medical information, the confidentiality of legal and psychological information still sacrosanct, it’s a wonder to me how so much about people gets uncovered and published. It’s just another one of those contradictions in our society’s values

Can you keep a secret? Is it hard for you to hold something within that you know, whether about yourself or others?  I understand that often people need to confide in others. It’s natural to want to unburden yourself, especially to someone who is caring and you feel you can trust and who will listen and not judge or criticize you. The impulse to share good or bad news often causes people to be less discreet than they ought to be, and they often live to regret it. That’s probably why some people will never reveal things about themselves; they feel vulnerable, exposed, fearing it will at some point be used against them, or they will be judged and thought less of.  Perhaps it’s the reason I hear so often from clients, “I’ve never told anyone this before.”  Sometimes when a person has shared deeply private thoughts feelings and life experiences with the right person, it helps, more so when the listener is able to offer different perspectives, or gives comfort and compassion instead of advise.  Regarding the advice that often comes after a revelation,  people seldom follow it and that’s probably just as well in many cases.  Re advice I’ve heard it said that wise men don’t need it and fools don’t heed it. And if a person heeds advice and it doesn’t turn out well, they blame the advisor rather than taking responsibility for having used it.

However, I will offer some advice right now with the full knowledge that you will take it or leave it, either way, it’s your choice what you do with it.  Never reveal a secret, for when you do it is no longer a secret, whether it’s yours or some one else’s. Keep yours and other people’s secrets within you where they can do no harm. It’s no one else’s business any way, is it? If you have a secret that is disturbing you, seek professional help. Respect other people’s privacy. Reading the newspapers and watching TV where the gossip is rampant and the people in the news are grist for the media mills, be careful…don’t trust what you read and hear. I’ve been a staff writer, a stringer and a freelancer and an editor for newspapers, so I know how and why things get into print. And I’ve been written about in newspapers, so I never assume what I read in the newspapers and see on the news is factual or accurate, or all sides of the story. I love what Bette Davis mother told her about a poor review she received after a performance. “Don’t worry about it Bette, today’s newspaper is tomorrow’s toilet paper.”

 I won’t let people gossip about others to me, and if I hear something about someone who is of interest to me, I always ask the person telling me, “How do you know?” and “What’s the reason you are telling me this?”  And, “Does that person know you telling me this? Was it told to you in confidence?”  I also know that as word gets around, the story gets distorted. Remember, here-say is not admissible in court and ought not to be in society in general.

And what do you want or need to know other people’s business for? Does it enrich your life? What do you learn from it?   Does it remind you what it means to be human?  Do you know every side of it? Do you really care about those people? Would you appreciate your private life being exposed for all to comment on?  Answering those questions honestly will reveal the secrets of your own motivation for giving your time and mind space to other people’s revealed secrets.

Perhaps some things ought not to be secret; it might be interesting to for you to think of some of those. One comes to my mind immediately, the way the medical profession, AMA, FDA and big pharma keep under wraps or disparage and keep from you some of the best natural ways of staying healthy and curing people of, for example, cancer without chemo radiation and surgery. It’s the reason I receive through emails and snail mail so many publications with headlines reading The Secrets of …revealing the here-to-fore hidden from view the many benefits of alternative medicine, and  the value of supplements and herbals to improve and protect health, and otherwise unknown cures for just about everything. Those are the secrets you need to be seeking to unveil for your own benefit.

Seek to know only what will benefit you; what will make you better, more educated, more whole and healthy. If your curiosity drives you past the headlines into the finer print, or to open your ears to gossip, be careful not to be a gossip monger, for others will certainly not trust you. If you are made privy to someone else’s private information, keep in mind you now have the burden of responsibility of a trust that is sacred.

A secret is no longer a secret once it passes your lips or someone else’s.

TTFN and all the best, always , from Elaine Kissel

It seems that in making a statement of fact about what is going on within them and their lives or in the world  they are saying it is an unalterable condition.  Is this a form of resignation, and /or a kind of acceptance, even apathy, or an “its not important to me” kind of attitude?  Or perhaps the person is saying it’s not worth his or her time to think about it? Or is it a feeling of helplessness?  If you have said it is what it is, what are you actually saying? What do you mean when you say it?

When someone says it to me I always listen carefully to the tone of voice, and watch the body language, the facial expressions. These elements of communication speak reams about the real thoughts and feelings behind the expression so when I’m in a position in which I can help, I speak to the real meaning for that person. However, in so many situations I hear it as an off the cuff kind of remark and it’s not my place to enquire as to the thoughts and feelings behind it.  I’m sure it means different things at different times to those who speak it.

There’s no denying that what is in our experience at any given time is the reality we are dealing with. Denying or resisting the facts of life is naive and often dangerous.  However, arbitrary acceptance of certain situations and conditions is more like giving up, throwing in the towel so to speak…i.e. physical pain, illness, disease, poverty,  and many other  things we human’s are heir to.  Had our ancestors had that attitude we would never have evolved, medicine as we know it wouldn’t exist and we would still be living in caves and running from saber tooth tigers.

At a workshop I did for HOPE * last Sunday, I met people who were struggling with fibromyalgia. If they all believed that it is what it is and nothing could be done about it, they wouldn’t have been there, nor would they have been seeking help through whatever resources are available to them. Yet one young woman with whom I demonstrated (with biofeedback) the mind-body relationship, said, “It is what it is” when the instrument indicated that she is adapted to stress. True in that moment, however, it was my endeavor to help her and the others there realize their power to change what it is for the better. I want people to know that they have inner resources to help them overcome all kinds of physical mental emotional and behavioral problems.  I love awakening people to their personal power  teaching them in my Mind Mastery course and in my hypnotherapy practice how to access and employ those resources.

It is what it is until we decide to make it different: When we take action…when we choose not to accept the idea that we are helpless in the face our difficulties we achieve what might have once seemed impossible… that is, before we became aware of our personal powers and decided to use them.

Of course there are some things in this world and life that we cannot change, no matter how we rile against them. We cannot and should not try to change others, unless they seek our help to do so.  The key to living and being better and being at peace within ourselves is learning to recognize what we can change and what we cannot and employ our conscious determination to bring about positive change when we can..

Long ago I developed a personal philosophy, it’s very simple, “I accept what I cannot change and what I cannot control and exercise my personal power to control within myself how I deal with those things.

It is indeed how we choose to deal with whatever life presents that makes the difference between struggling and stressing about things and having a realistic approach to life and experience.

The sad fact is that all too many people are not in touch with their personal power; they feel like leaves in the winds of time; succumbing to what they believe is their fate, their lot in life: To say to yourself and others “it is what it is” without careful consideration of your potential to change things is an expression of ignorance about your personal power and your ability to take control for yourself and your life. It also implies a lack of repsonsibility.

Yes, the weather is what it is, yet we dress accordingly, and air conditioning and heating equipment has enabled us to live more comfortably through all the seasons. Cancer is what it is, but it doesn’t have to kill you; you can fight for your life and win in many ways.  Being jobless or having money struggles may be a fact of your life at the moment, however, you do all you can to change that situation, unless you think yourself incapable of doing what it takes to overcome the problem. The latter is usually,  ”I am what I am”,   kind of thinking, i.e. I’m a loser, which is another issue we need to address in another blog.

 It is what is in many instances i.e. that there is no consensus about anything, politically and religiously. These kinds of immutable facts of life indeed need to be accepted. However, to arbitrarily accept the negative, the difficult, the challenging, and the undesirable as if it is predetermined and must be lived with as it is naive and unnecessary.

So before you say “it is what it is” think about it.  This is the pre-determining moment …this your opportunity to decide if what it is at that moment is unacceptable or undesirable and whether or not you want to keep it as it is; it’s your moment in time to decide to take action to make it something else if it is not what you want for yourself and your life. And if you are like many activists, you will do what you can to make a difference or at least support others in their endeavor to bring about  positve change.

 If you are in pain, or stressed in some way, you don’t have to accept it, you have the ability to relieve and heal yourself.

And here’s another crucially important point to keep in mind at all times  is that  your subconscious accepts literally your conscious mind’s directives,  It senses  your attitude, your feelings and expectations; so to say that it is what it is tells your subconscious you choose to maintain the status quo. Is that what you really want? Is that your choice for yourself?

Think, and then decide what to do about what it is.

 TTFN and all the best from Elaine Kissel

* HOPE is the organization that helps people suffereing from Fribromyalgia.

So what were the photos  of in my last blog? Did you figure out what they were? Here’s the answers.

They are all winter scenes. Picture one, picnic tables stacked up for the winter . Photo two,  boat docks in the snow.  Photo three, trash bins covered with snow. Photo four , parking lot barriers in the snow.

How did you feel while you viewed the 911 ceremonies? I’m sure you felt the loss, the deep and immeasurable sadness as I did. I could not watch for long; it was just too much. The mass outpouring of grief moved me, and I’m sure everyone else who was witnessing it to recall the horrific incidents that shattered lives and took so many from their loved ones. I shared not just what was being experienced on Sept 11th as if it was that day all over again, and the aftermath of grief, but it re ignighted the intensity of of my own experience of loss and grief; for we cannot disconnect our own grief from that of others; in it we are all as one and somehow feel the weight of all those who have ever grieved upon our hearts.

                     Sept 14^th is a day of sad remembrance for me and my family; it marks the 15^th year since my son Randall left our physical world. I spent more time than usual connecting spirit with him that day; that day cannot pass without happy and sad memories coming into clearer focus, and the pain I’ve learned to live around comes to the forefront once again. I’m glad I didn’t have to share my grief with millions watching on, no matter how compassionate they are. Not just because I’m basically a very private person, also because it doesn’t comfort me to draw others into my grief and cause them to feel helpless to console me.

                     The truth is I have mixed feelings about all the public grieving and mourning; I don’t mean the kind that is expressed at the funerals family and friends attend to show their respects and say farewells while they try to comfort and support those whose grief is so new and  intense. I mean those  kinds of commemoration  ceremonies that occurred on Sept.11^th 2011,  because the terrorists are rejoicing in our grief as we are showing it in high-definition world-wide via all the media; they have no compassion for the flood of tears and openly expressed pain, they are  glad of it. They know we value all life and they are rejoicing in that we are still stricken by what they perpetrated: It causes me to wonder, would it not be best to mourn privately for that reason; and also not subject those who lost loved ones to the public rituals of remembrance that surely evoke anew the pain while giving the terrorists a sense of accomplishment?

                  It must be so difficult for friends and family members to go through public rituals to honor the dead, to have to face crowds of other mourners, to experience the accumulated grief… to feel obligated to listen to all the speeches, hear all the names recited again. Is it all therapeutic? It might be for some to have acknowledgement of the enormity of their loss, perhaps find succor in so much compassion; for others it is simply too awful to contemplate.

                We have to think carefully about the meaning of those ceremonies, and the purpose they serve. Is it a good thing? Does it help heal or evoke once again the intensity of grief and prolong it?  Can we not honor the dead in a way that doesn’t bring back the horror and doesn’t keep the grief painfully alive?

               Memorials are constructed in every society, we all know why. They give the message “lest we forget” (as if we could), while naming and remembering those whose lives were lost. They are giant gravestones engraved with words of sorrow, they are made to withstand the sands of time and remind generations yet to come of who has died, how when and why. Have they ever prevented a war, or brought peace where war is being raged? They seem not to be lessons learned from the past; they prove only that history repeats itself and that human kind has learned little about how to live in peace and harmony with  our neighbors and those who do not share their beliefs.

                Yes, we can and do go on, though not exactly undaunted. And no we won’t forget. Nor will the terrorists, for they too can see the negative impact of their heinous acts in our every day lives. It motivates them do more of the same. They see, as we do the havoc they have wreaked and the changes that it’s made to our sense of security. In that they seem to have won a battle of sorts; they have limited our freedom to some extent. Our lives changed irrevocably on Sept 11^th 2001. However, the extremists and the terrorists have not and will not win the war they have initiated to try to force us to adopt their own distorted concepts of right and wrong, to destroy those who they refer to as infidels, and believe in so doing they will go to heaven; and also hope to instigate political and policy changes.

                We all also know that freedom isn’t free. We pay dearly for our many freedoms;  i.e. freedom to choose how and if  to pray, if to love and serve God, to believe or not believe, and choose our own spiritual paths, to deny that is naïve. We watch and are watched since 911. We are subjected to search and so much of our privacy has been lost. But what the terrorists did not know then and may never accept is that to create terror and death does not change our minds or what we believe in, and the punishment they deal out to us for our principles will never cause us to join their sects or support their extreme and inhumane views. They will not win our hearts and minds through violence; they will not change our democratic form of life, or our global efforts to insure that all human rights are respected and protected. Their acts of terror and destruction only cause us to cling more determinedly to our own faiths and insistence on respecting individual free will.

                So, let us stay aware, not only of what is lost while we view the memorials and hear the eulogies, but what we still have that empowers us and what sets us apart from those who would harm us for who we are, what we believe in, our values and how we live. Grief is not diminished when shared I’m afraid, and memorials and ceremonies do not heal or ameliorate our pain. Only our focus on life and the living diminishes to any useful effect the power of loss.

And on a lighter side….  The following photos were taken by Don . Can you guess what they are? Find out on my next blog.

TTFN and all the best from Elaine Kissel.
  

 The camera has enabled us to view again  and again our  memorable moments, and  see a world that would otherwise be invisible or unknown to us. Perhaps we take it too much for granted today how easy it is to capture with the click of a shutter the times and places we cherish;  to document special events,  or to fully appreciate how other photographers bring to us, not just earths natural wonders, also the inner universe of the brain  and body and the one surrounding us.

I’m not the photographer in my family. Not that I don’t take pictures. I do, however, I’m definitely an amateur among some very brilliant pros in my family. My brother Norman Phillips (Visit Norman Phillips Seminars)  is a world-renowned prize-winning photographer. My husband Don, also a prize winning photgrapher  began his career in photography when he was just 12 years old doing weddings and portraits with an Ansco he bought with money earned doing hard labor for a builder.  His first camera was a Donald Duck, no kidding!  He went on to be an Air Force camera repairman and PR photographer, and when discharged began to use his camera to show people intriguing alternative views of the world; many of those photos were published in newspapers and magazines. He won many prizes for his work using a simple Agfa.  He did portraits, weddings as well as commercial, industrial and aerial photography to augment our income while working for ATT&T as a telecommunications specialist. He also did the photo illustrations for my newspaper and magazine feature stories and articles. His last job as a photographer was as City photographer for the city of Dearborn, a job in which his brilliance was recognized but not rewarded.  He had many conflicts with the policies, politics and people there because he wasn’t a boot licking yes man to Mayor Hubbard.

When I finally persuaded him to take a leap of faith and join me in my newly opened ESP development and Hypnosis Center he put away his cameras to become the other three-quarters of the business.  As my office and business manager he facilitated the growth and development of our enterprise.  He did do Kirlian and Schlieren photography  for our research  in the field of parapsychology, including psychic healing  experiments,  as well as contributing his talents and energies to my endeavor to help people develop all of their latent abilities.He’s the only photographer whose ever been able to do a portrait of me  that I felt a true likeness. He took human interest shots that told stories , and caught our children in  their imaginative  play,  for example

Today he enjoys taking pictures, primarily for his own amusement. He takes his camera almost everywhere and captures people aux natural. He does people watching through his lenses and captures their human essence with respect as well as a sense of humor. Now my daughter Deborah is becoming an accomplished photographer, as are some of my grandchildren. So we might say it’s in their blood. Proving once again it’s not the camera, but the eye and skills of the person behind it that makes the difference between an ordinary picture and an extraordinary one.  Admittedly photo shopping is a common tactic now to enhance the photographers work so it’s often difficult to determine what is real,  however, I’ve learned that it’s also an art as much as a science to produce images that wow us.

In the next several blogs I’m going to share some of their work with you, for your amusement and pleasure. I might even add a few of my own shots, ones I’m reasonably pleased with. I’ll add captions and perhaps a little side story.

It’s a good idea in these tough times to focus on what we as human beings have in common, the things we can smile about, the beauty we can appreciate and whenever possible have a really good laugh, even at ourselves; and always remember what is good in the world, in each other, and our lives so we can balance it against everything else.  See the photo below text,  it will make you smile

TTFN and all the best, always, from Elaine Kissel

Joy rider!  Oh the thrill  of flying high…uplifted to the sky.. who says man can’t fly!  Photo by Don Kissel.

Friends are

A good friend is

I expect my friends’ to

The most important attribute of a friend is

Friends are important to

Having had many emails  from people concerned with the issues about friendship, I thought I’d share some with you and my responses. here’s one of many…

Dear Dr. Kissel

            I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know how to be a good friend. It’s been hard to make  and keep friends for me.  Should I tell the person how I really feel about things, should I keep my mouth shut when I don’t agree with someone?  Should I be honest about our differences?  Should I reveal my innermost thoughts and
feelings? What is a friend, anyway?

Brenda
M.

Dear Brenda, one of the most gratifying elements of friendship is being comfortable in being real, not to try to be someone or something you aren’t. It’s being open and honest; being true to your self when with that person. A  true friend will welcome your point of view and respect it even if it’s different from his or her own, providing it’s offered respectfully and not in a critical challenging manner. Of course you need to have a sense of the persons’ openness to hear your ideas.  Being yourself and being accepted for who you are is an important attribute of friendship. If you don’t feel at ease sharing your own thoughts and feelings because you sense the other person might take offence, something isn’t quite right there. And Brenda, you need to know that we can have several types of friendships, everything from a very close and intimate relationship to a more casual one, sometimes based solely on socializing in the same groups.  Friendship is about valuing the individual, his or her honesty and compassion and even disagreeing agreeably; sometimes its intimacy united with affection and esteem, mutual interest in each other, attachment and goodwill. A good friend is a person we know well, are fond of, and like, and one who’s supportive of our doing our best and what’s best for us.  Friends are our allies in life. Although I believe a good friend would not support anything you might say or do that isn’t in your best interest. We owe our friends our honesty, duplicity to keep a relationship in tact will never work. If you can’t disagree without resentments flaring you either avoid those subjects and enjoy what you do have in common, or avoid the person.

My mother, always wise and witty, often reminded us that religion and politics are like mine fields in social intercourse.   Those are indeed subjects that can evoke serious offence and conflict because they are loaded with passion and conviction.

However, if you feel you are walking on eggs with someone to avoid a disagreement or an argument, rethink the relationship.  Friends really listen to each other, they care, and they show their caring. They are interested in their friends are interested in.  To maintain a friendship we need to respect and appreciate who that person is as an individual, as different as they may be from ourselves in many respects, although we need to  be able relate very well to them. Enjoying his or her company… sharing life experiences, including laughing and crying together. Genuine friendship requires being non critical non judgmental, and of course mutual trust. Those attributes apply to all relationships, don’t you think?

It’s always a good idea when developing a friendship (or any close relationship) to ask the other person what he or she expects from you, and/ or their definition of friendship, that will be a useful guideline.  Ask if you can be open and honest when you disagree. And it’s very important for you to express your own expectations of the other person. (It’s one of the ground rules I set for couples when I’m working with them to improve their relationship). If you expect things from the other person that he or she  has no idea about, and that person doesn’t meet those expectations you are likely to be disappointed, resentful  and angry, and that leads to serious trouble in the relationship.

Friendships are bonds created between people, founded on many factors. Sometimes people have grown up together or shared life experiences in places or circumstances that brought them together. Long term friendships are tested when changes in location make it difficult to get together.  Some people find it too difficult to maintain friendships from a distance, especially if they have developed new relationships in  their new locale; they grow as far apart in more ways than geography.  Life styles and sometimes financial inequality
can cause a rift. Keeping up with the Jones’s is something too many people are willing to try to do; some do to the extent they put themselves in extreme debt and difficulty.

One client told me that she felt out-of-place in her long time friends new home (they had recently become quite wealthy) since it was so palatial and made her own home seem poor in comparison. When I asked if her friend did all she could to make her feel at home she said, “Yes, but I can’t entertain as richly as she does so I don’t feel I can reciprocate her hospitality. I try sometimes but it’s a strain on our budget “Does she still enjoy being with you at your home? I asked “Yes, she seems to,” she answered.  “Does she visit your home as often as you visit hers? “I asked. “Yes,” she replied.   I asked if she was happy for her friend’s success, and she said, “Of course.”  “Do you feel she expects you to reciprocate in kind? I asked. “I guess, “she said hesitantly, “she always says she enjoyed everything I made for lunch or dinner, and thanks me.”

This told me that her friend is satisfied with simply enjoying being with her, and not expecting any more than what she has received past and present. My client needed to let go of comparing status and income and to continue to be the friend in the ways she s was. There was obviously no discrepancy in the relationship, only a difference in their income brackets. You don’t have to be financial equal to be  a good friend. It’s not about the house you live in or your income that brings you together, its more than that.

Personally enjoy many friends from all walks of life, and with varied interests, from all kinds of backgrounds, race, religion and politics; I find it rewarding in every respect. You too can enjoy a variety of people in your life with whom u have friendships, if you have an open mind and heart.

One client of mine admitted that she was jealous of her friend since she was still struggling to get her career off the ground and her friend often reported her successes. To be envious or jealous of a friend’s success is a sign that you have not grown up with the friendship.
Maturity enables us to accept change and grow with it. We always wish the very best for those we care for, even if it takes them away from us.

By the same token I’ve known of many people whose newly elevated status, i.e. fame or fortune, or conversely, loss of status,
income and work etc. has caused them to neglect long time friends and even family.  It’s a shame; however, we need to accept that friendship isn’t always going to withstand the vagaries of life. It’s always about the people within the relationship and what they are capable
of that determines whether or not a friendship will be the same, or even continue. Growing in different direction is natural.  People change, they grow, or shrink from life experience; they move on, it’s natural. Here’s an example:

Dear Dr. Kissel,

     My friend of more than 15 years suddenly won’t to talk to me. I’ve tried to reach her; she refuses my calls and doesn’t answer
my emails. I don’t know what I did, I’m really hurt. What do you suggest?

Connie
Lampton . AL.

Dear Connie, whatever
reason, it may not be about you or anything you said or did. If you’ve reviewed your communications with her and can’t find anything the she could take offence about, it may be that she is dealing with issues in her life that consume her energy and time and is unable or doesn’t want to talk about it.  Talking about what’s going on in their lives is too painful for some people, to express it makes them feel vulnerable; it might
be embarrassment or shame about something. You could send her a lovely greeting card via snail mail that expresses your concerns about her, and her how you feel about not being able to connect with her, tell her that you still care and value your friendship.  Don’t ask what’s wrong; just let her know that whenever she is willing and able, you are open to hearing from her. If you get no response, let her go.

Some friends are just not able to say goodbye when they feel they have outgrown the relationship, or their lives have diverted them from old relationships; whatever it is, you need to move forward and hold close to your heart the good memories you have of your friendship.

Here’s a really interesting relationship issue….

  Dr. Kissel: my friend L just informed me that she feels we’ve become too close and wants to put some distance between us. I’m devastated. I was her confidant and she mine. I don’t understand her.

Michelle
B.

Dear Michelle,   many who have revealed something in a moment of emotional stress, regret it later:   Fearing their secrets might get spread around or they make themselves vulnerable, many people refuse to get close in the first place, keeping their inner most thoughts and feelings and difficult life circumstances to themselves. One of my clients whose confidence was betrayed by a friend cut off all friendships; her trust was severely damaged. She had to learn not to generalize her experiences with one person to all. She also needed to know that emotional hurts heal; I helped her do that. Fear of being hurt or losing a friendship hurts; however, to be bereft of friendship when it’s available is a loss that hurts too; one that never heals if you are one of those who need friends in your life.

Sometimes the reason people don’t confide is the fear that what they have shared will be used against them somehow or the person they shared with will think less of them, so they close themselves off to others. All you can do is assure her that her secrets are safe with you, and that if ever she wants to enjoy your friendship again you are open to that. Then move on.
And here is another challenge  to friendship expressed….

Dear Elaine Kissel;

            My friend told me something that I have a difficult time with. Knowing is giving me a lot of conflict. He told me of a crime he committed, and laughed about it, and thinks it’s so clever that he got away with it. I told him I wasn’t proud of him for doing that and he ought to own up and give the object back to its owners.  It’s hard to enjoy his company now without thinking about it, and I’ve lost a lot of respect for him. I do care about him, hat you suggest. Arlene P.

Dear Arlene, being a friend doesn’t
obligate you to tolerate or accept things that go against your own principles and values. One of the best things about having a friend is being able to enjoy the person’s company and having respect as well as trust for him or her. It seems that all these qualities are now missing.  If you want to still be friends, you could tell him that unless he does the right thing you cannot continue the relationship.However, trusting this person’s honesty might be a difficult task after this experience.You need to decide what’s most important to you, your own integrity or the
friendship.   It’s when a relationship ceases to be mutual in very respect that it’s no longer a friendship. Let it go, accept the loss as graciously as you can and think about what you have gained from the relationship.

Also a relationship isn’t an entity that must be kept alive at all costs. It isn’t more important than the people in it.

Keep in mind   friendships are bonds created between people, founded on many factors. Being aware of those factors helps you
recognize when they are no longer there. So if you were to meet a long time friend for the first time in the now, ask yourself, would you develop a friendship, a deep bond or reciprocally rewarding relationship with him or her?  If not, it’s okay to keep in touch, if you both want to, to be there when called upon.  Realize, too, keeping in touch might be a challenge for some with very busy life styles or when life
challenges, i.e. illness or other issues come up. Marriages and divorces can come between friends as well.  And drifting apart happens, that’s life.  As we change, so do relationships.  We need to be flexible, and appreciate how our friends grow and grow with them

Your definition of friendship will always be a factor in how satisfying your relationships with others will be; sometimes we need to re think and redefine what friendship means to us. Most of all, it is important to be your own best friend.

TTFN and all the best from Elaine Kissel.

Whenever I research or write about a subject, I often go the dictionary as a starting point; The dictionary definition of family is: parents and their children; a person’s children; a set of relatives; the descendants of a common ancestor; any group of person’s or things related in some way; a group of related plants or animals. Not that the dictionary definition is what we subconsciously or even consciously relate to and  identify with, for it’s most often our experience of family that determines how we define it for ourselves. Usually when we think of family we think of those with whom we are blood related and with whom we share a history, a life together or even a life apart.

There’s a saying that blood is thicker than water. My mother used to say that blood is thicker than margarine: For her, family was all she lived for; her sole purpose in life was to create and nurture a united family. She did so with remarkable success. Yet for so many blood ties are often tangled with knotty issues, and family bonds don’t always bind people together. And the love, affection and caring that are considered to be natural  “normal” aspects of being part of a family are not always enough to hold them together in peaceful coexistence. People related, though they may love and care about each other, don’t always like or respect one another; the so-called dysfunctional family is one that literally cannot cohabit and function as a cohesive compatible unit. There is often sibling rivalry and/or parents giving more love and attention to their favorites, and/or poor parenting, abuse, bad marriages, divorce etc. and other disruptions that cause conflict so that enjoyable togetherness isn’t possible. And once in-laws come onto the scene, even more difficulties can arise. Two families and the individuals within them don’t always congeal well in spite of their efforts to do so.

Even understanding all of that we can still wonder why it is that family life can be so challenging, and sometimes so fraught with frustration and disappointment as well as all the joys and satisfactions.

 It would be easy to write this off as, well, we are all unique individuals with our own psychologies and ways of perceiving the world. We have different needs and desires, different personalities and temperaments and goals in life.

 The fact that we are biologically related is in actuality an accident of birth.

 Sometimes we are ill fitted with the environment we are born into and the people within it:  Like plants put into the wrong kind of soil, we cannot take root or thrive. The nature and nurture factors gives us some insights; however neither one can claim to be the sole influence. We are all, from birth, instinctively seeking love, nurturing and support; some don’t get it, or get enough or in the ways they need it, which results in all kinds of unrequited needs that impact the individual and family. And we all have our own paths to travel and choose to travel them in our own ways, and we have our own unique destinies to fulfill.

 I’d also have to say that expectations of family are often unrealistic and the cause of a great deal of dissention and disappointment.

The truth is that there is no one thing that can explain the difference between a harmonious family and one that is often conflicted and struggling with myriad issues. The politics of family and the dynamics that evolve within it can be quickly recognized but not so quickly changed; sometimes because not all members agree to the process or what it’s about. And some people expect others to do the changing, and change for some, whether it’s within the self or relationships is too great a challenge.

There isn’t an adequate explanation as to why some individuals within a family are more invested than others in its survival as a loving unit. Some people use all the familiar trappings and traditions to keep family members involved, to some extent anyway. Traditions are often the glue that keeps families intact, or at least what brings them together at times.  Traditions are important in the whole scheme of family life and why people struggle and stress themselves greatly  to maintain them. Without their efforts some families would rarely get together: it’s often that weddings and funerals  draw relatives  together. They, like the holidays  are often rare reunions: opportunities to see and touch those who are connected with shared origins, and that suffices for many. However that too can create problems, as you may know.

I’ve had many tell me that they are disillusioned by the lack of family feeling and lack of obvious or ongoing caring and interest demonstrated between brethren. They need to factor in that everyone’s depth of caring and their capabilities of expressing it are vastly different; and the time, mind space and energy they are capable of applying to relationships isn’t in par with everyone’s else’s desires and needs. There are some people who are not able to emotionally and in other ways connect with many others, so they limit their family associations to just a few of its members; probably those they are more compatible with and with who they can more easily relate, so that those not so close may feel rejected, or put aside.
We can’t be close to everyone: It’s just not possible.

In other words, it’s not about you, it’s about your relative’s relative emotional capacity to relate and interact, and their social styles; it’s also about what they are dealing with in their own lives and in other relationships. And that being a member of family isn’t a guarantee that the family will always, if ever, fit with the person’s concept of how a family ought to be.

Many people get their ideas of what family should be from the concept of the “ideal family” as shown on TV’s Leave it to Beaver and Father Knows Best:  Or from observing other families that appear to be harmonious and happy. Comparing families though is like comparing nations, cultures and societies; as humans we share many things in common, as societies we have vastly different values, belief systems and life styles.

“American Family values” are often political planks because the concept resonates with those who hold it in their minds and hearts as essential for the best quality of life, well-being and happiness. There is no question that healthy families are important to the survival of a society;  indeed they are considered to be the foundation of a nation. So when it doesn’t work out for the individual, there is an added sense of profound disappointment,  a sense of failure…of not being part of the glue that binds a person to the whole, therefore feeling isolated and unloved.

There are those who struggle because of what my Mother often referred to as a blessed obligation; that is, to maintain connections and closeness with their families; they are the ones who donate time and energy to make it work and  to bring members together; they are trying to create or sustain a happy family life, often, sadly without success.  It’s obvious in that case that there are just too many issues facing the individuals and the group that interfere; maybe they just don’t get along, maybe there hasn’t been enough mutual respect, shared interest or equal caring and commitment. Perhaps there are conflicts of interest. Often hurtful things said and done are set up as barriers to closeness. In that case forthright communication is the best solution to break down walls set up between people. Getting together and listening respectfully to each other with understanding and compassion is often the first step to resolve those kinds of problems; it works well when all parties have the motivation to make things better between them.

Family is obviously more important to some than it is to others even within the same group. We have to let it be so, as difficult as that may be to accept. And we do have a choice as to whether or not to engage with relatives.

If you look at your family members as people, and ask yourself if they were not related, would you choose to have them as your friend or in your life in any way?  If the answer is a genuine no, you need to let go. We need to accept that just because you are blood related, or grow up together, or are related by marriage etc. it doesn’t mean you are automatically friends and have a family feeling for each other. So don’t think you are strange if your ideal isn’t manifested in your family life. Keep in mind that it’s just not as important to some individuals to participate in family life, or honor its traditions, rules of conduct and precepts; perhaps because they don’t get the same warm fuzzy feelings from them  that others do

We do, after all choose our  friends; our families are in a sense imposed upon us by circumstance and biology. We have acquaintances in other areas of our lives, various kinds and depths of friendship with unrelated people and accept that as normal. We can learn to accept that is fine with family members too.

 Many people create a family of friends, neighbors and/or coworkers, associates of all sorts. The family feeling that develops between individuals and groups is one that is warm and comforting. It derives, as it does in a blood related family, from a feeling of  satisfying togetherness, affection, sharing, and most often a sense of loyalty and love, trust, compatibility, mutual values and goals, empathy and compassion. Of course enjoying each other’s company is as important to making these kinds of family ties as it is in any
relationship.

We can quite easily love those who are not related to us by genes and DNA.  And even be more forgiving of them when they hurt us.  Actually being hurt by family members is much more painful, you may have noted. We tend to be more tolerant of outsiders than our own, perhaps even more forgiving, probably because we don’t expect loved ones to inflict pain, betray or neglect us; we expect them to be accepting of us as individuals, to be protective, loving and kind.  You can let go of relationships with people outside of the family when they are no longer proving to be good or satisfying for you.  You need to be able to do that with family members, too, although admittedly it’s not so easily done; never-the-less necessary when the pain of trying to maintain a relationship is greater than it would be from letting it go.

I often think of my family as extensions of myself;  I am  in some ways closer to some because of our compatibility. We have more in common and more shared interests; we respect each other’s opinions, they are my genuine friends. Most importantly we can disagree agreeably, a trait which I think helps support a relationship within or outside of family. Political and other differences ought never to be what keep people apart; among intelligent open-minded individuals, they can make for stimulating discussions through which we learn from each other.

On several special occasions my granddaughter, Melody, has gifted me with a plaque with a verse about the meaningfulness of family. One surrounds a photograph of our family’s celebration of her graduation from High School. I have them where I cannot help but see them every day, and I smile as I dust them and reread the messages.

One says, God wanted man to learn to share*
To learn to love and learn to care*   To raise a child ‘till it was grown*   To never laugh or cry alone*    With hearts as close as they could be* That’s why God made the family*    Each person He made a separate soul – Yet bonded by love they made a whole*    God Smiled on His work-union warm and sweet, For the family made each soul complete.

Another reads,

 Our family is like a patchwork quilt, with kindness gently sewn. Each piece is an original with beauty of its own.

With threads of warmth and happiness, it’s tightly stitched together to last in Love throughout the years, our family is forever.

Melody now lives in Atlanta, is married and has three children.  Her family sentiments mean a great deal to me, as I’ve always had a strong sense of the importance of family innate within me and reinforced by my mother and other members of my family. The times we share are so precious to me; I relish and soak up the experience as a nutrient for my emotions and my soul, and they give me memories to sustain me when we are geographically separated. Our family is spread around the world, as many families are these days.

I do think that can make a huge difference in family’s ease of being and staying close-knit. Though we say absence makes the heart grow fonder, for some it’s more out of sight out of mind.   Keeping in touch is so much easier now, though some people are better at that than others, of course.

I’ve had many an occasion to help people who come to me for hypnotherapy to deal with complex family issues, past and present, and thankfully have been able to help them resolve them and move into more harmonious togetherness and a more satisfying family life.

In our family we all recognize hat we all have our own style of being and our own priorities and individual and life challenges, and as is the case with many families, our life styles don’t always converge. Never-the-less there is always the knowledge that as family, whenever there is need for extra support or expressions of caring, or a crisis, we are there for each other.

So what is family?: An emotional or biological connection that can be fostered or neglected, valued;  or thought of as incidental, and/or simply taken for granted; the latter I’d never recommend.

I feel a great deal of empathy those who have no family, or are outsiders to their relatives for whatever reason. It does help though to know that you are a whole human being with or without a family to reinforce that fact for you. You need to get your emotional nourishment from other sources, because they are out there, you know; i.e. from people like yourself seeking connections and a sense of being part of a clan. Longing doesn’t make it happen; it only increases the sense of loss.

As family members and individuals we are always learning and growing; ideally growing together and not apart; ideally we respect the fact that we are all different people who need to be true to ourselves while also being a member of a clan; and as much as humanly possible, doing our best to be a strong and loving thread in the fabric of the whole. However, we cannot take sole responsibility for keeping the fabric intact. If it is torn, or threads are loose, we cannot all by ourselves mend it.  The whole family must be united in that endeavor. Family therapy can be a wonderful way to help families come together and develop more rewarding relationships.

Be realistic in your expectations, for then you will never be so disappointed. Actually that applies to just about everything in life, does it not?

TTFN and all the best
always, from Elaine Kissel

Too often in modern times fear is a perceptual distortion, based on erroneous or faulty input. Just as your perception of an event determines whether or not it is stressful, so perceived threats can wreak havoc within you and make life horrible for you. It stops you from living a satisfying life; it makes you ill and ill-suited to achieve what you were meant to. So it’s important to learn to differentiate between genuine danger and that which you imagine to be dangerous.

 It’s normal to be afraid when we are being stalked, or physically threatened in some way. Fear then generates energy and gives us the go ahead to do what we need to do to protect ourselves, whether it is to run, hide, take flight or fight.  We can sense danger at times, such as when the hair on the back of our necks rises and goose bumps cover our body. Or when our subconscious tells us “something isn’t quite right here.” These intuitive warnings ought to be heeded. In his brilliant book, “The Gift of Fear” (a must read for everyone) Gavin De Becker advises that we never disregard those subconscious, intuitive and instructive communications; they are survival signals meant to protect you, and they can save your life.  Of course no wise person would ever tell you to ignore your intuitive voices; for they rely on credible evidence construed through known and little known senses that are like radar antennas always scanning your environment. Your subconscious is aware of so many minute details in your environment that your conscious mind is not tuned into, and it lets you know what it makes of a situation; sometimes the conscious mind wants to argue with the message; this can lead to disaster, as Gavin De Becker warns. And you know from experience when you haven’t heeded a warning from within how much you regret it later.

Obviously fear can be your friend or foe.  Being afraid when you are in a burning building is natural, fear of being burned alive gives you the impetus to escape; you cannot safely argue with or ignore any legitimate danger. Many fears are also logically protecting us from irrational risky or foolhardy behaviors.

Fear is our friend when we let it speak its truth to us; ironically, even if the truth is that the fear is based on fiction. You see many fears are manufactured within us, they tell us what if stories; often they are myths that have taken on the character of facts. By imagining and anticipating pain, humiliation, disappointment etc. we create if for ourselves within ourselves.  It is those fears that we must confront and abolish.

 As a child I was often stalked by the ghosts and other beings of my imagination. Admittedly, I was extremely psychically sensitive and aware of things that other people were not, and was often frozen with fear. If I moved or called out I was sure they, my imagined giants and shadows that resembled people and ghosts  would know where I was and get me!

  It was when my mother told me the poem about The Giant that I learned for the first time the power of my own mind (see poem below).  It taught me that when you learn to challenge fear’s powers over you, and face them…look at them from within your evolved mind/brain and determine their validity or lack of it, and their origins, you are on your way to relieving them.  When you confront them with the understanding that since you created them, or they were imbedded in you by someone else, you have the power to overpower them, then you begin to set yourself free.

 So many of my clients have expressed fear of confronting their fears; they fear that in doing so they will have to create whole new ways of relating to themselves and others;  and they will need to accept that their belief systems are faulty and their relationships with others will need to change. This can feel like a daunting task, one fraught with its own imagined dangers: So one of the first things that must become clear is that the energy that you are using to withstand your fears and the consequences of them can be channeled into confronting and resolving them.

It’s a choice on how to use psychic energy and mind space; a choice that many people don’t realize they have available to them.

The question is, do you want to go on being afraid? Or do you want to use the energy that fear has usurped from your life towards living your life more fully and freely? And very importantly, you need to realize that what you fear might happen if you stand up to fear and those who evoked it within you probably won’t.  And even if it does, you can adjust to any changes you might need to make, just as you have adjusted your life to live with and around fear.

Being afraid of being afraid adds to the complex spirals of fear that are part of the phobic malaise. The inner self talk such as, “I’m afraid I’ll have an anxiety attack again,” is an example. One client told me, “I’m afraid when the time comes I’ll be too afraid to deal with the situation, I’ll lose my nerve, and I’m afraid I’ll mess it up.” She articulated well what so many people feel. Compounded fear is a lack of knowledge of our own capabilities and /or negative anticipation of painful events. Fear isn’t always about what it is come; it is about what has been and the belief that the past is prologue.

I have to teach my clients not to be afraid of being afraid.

Roosevelt’s message   “The only thing to fear is fear itself,” is a warning against allowing our fears to paralyze us; not a message to not ever be afraid. Yes, indeed, sometimes fear can paralyze a person. We can’t know for sure in each case what causes a person to stop motion when action of some kind would make more sense. Perhaps it’s a bio physiological mechanistic glitch. We have known in our own experience at times what its like to be too afraid to move, so that even breathing seems to add to the danger of being harmed. It might also be one of instincts decisions to halt all action…to prevent us from making a dangerous move.

It’s the paralyzing fears that are psychologically based that need to be dispelled if you are to move freely in your life and accomplish your goals.  

          So many fears are based on generalizations. For example, “My father beat me when I didn’t please him; therefore all male authority figures will hurt me if I displease them.”  Or, “If I tell him how I really feel he will be angry and leave me.” The beliefs founded in childhood experience, or from emotional pain inflicted in adulthood can ruin a person’s chances of ever living in peace or succeeding in all of their endeavors if we allow them to dominate our lives.

So in order to overcome your fears, you need to use them wisely: Think of fear as a communicator, a messenger warning you, and in order to interpret its message you need to come face to face with it, listen to it carefully, so you can know what it’s telling you.

 I call it processing fear.  In so doing you let your rational mind take charge.  It’s only when you process your fear intelligently that you can begin healing the wounds that evoked a fear response within you.

So what is your fear?  Look at it objectively, open-mindedly. What is it based on?  When you examine your fear  you will discover (correctly) that the it is most likely  based on out dated messages you got from others or from hurts and fears of being hurt, or from imagining being hurt; then you can deal with them in a way that gives you the power to eradicate them.

 As I’ve said, fears are often manufactured within our minds: fear of loss, fear of success or failure, fear of not living up to someone else’s expectations, fear of getting sick, are the creative mind working against you when it really evolved to work for you; and extreme fears such as phobias are exaggerated notions of extreme possibilities: Not probability.

Examining your psychological history gives you the clues to solving our own personal fear problems; even if already know where your fears originated, looking at them differently than you have before helps enormously: You know many come from those who raised you, and from a society in which media promotes fear with newscasts that threaten doom, and from challenges of daily life to sustain secure and comfortable living.  It’s those manufactured fears that cause people to withdraw, to experience upset and anxiety about what might happen. It’s those imagined threats that undermine confidence, disrupt intelligent mental processing and cause emotional pain and result in inhibitions that prevent actualization of potential: Also physical damage, because stress causes myriad negative chemical responses in your body, including weakening your immune system and causing life threatening inflammation.

Once we face fear head-on,  we are able to process its information with our intelligent, rational and objective minds, we are then able to teach our poorly educated over reactive emotions how to put them in their proper perspective and let them go. Actually you can use your common sense mind to educate your emotions; it’s a process I use a lot for my clients in my Whole Mind Hypnotherapy processes.

 Here are a few ways you can begin the process of gaining control of your fears.

           Don’t be afraid to confront your fears. Remember fear is telling you something, listen. Question it.  Refuse to let it control you.  When it arises from within you with no objective rational inferences , it is carrying an important deeply personal message. Who gave it that message to bring to you?  Let your fear speak its truth; its truth will be the first step to setting you free.

Don’t tell your self you shouldn’t be afraid, that it’s silly, foolish etc; that only adds another element of stress to what you are already feeling. Most people have a fear of looking or being foolish. Psychologically based fear is no more foolish than the fear generated by a gun at your head. It is a real felt experience. It is simply telling you what you already know deep within your subconscious self.  Be honest. Tell your self, “I have a fear;” acknowledge it.  Question, “What is my fear? What is it telling me?” Another good question, once you’ve challenged your fear is to ask yourself, “If I wasn’t afraid, what would I do?”  Be quiet inside, listen with an open mind. The answers will come, and you can then use them to get moving forward in your life, to being all you can be, to feeling secure being yourself and being with others.

There are many other ways that in hypnotherapy we can facilitate freedom from fear; we can do the healing of emotional wounds… help people develop confidence and teach them how to be in touch with their inner resources. The first step is always to confront the fear, and  and  from being determined  not to continue to suffer anxiety or panic attacks, or have nightmares, or not be able to do what you would like to do.  Admitting it will empower you so you can make the next move towards eliminating it.

And you need to know that you have what you need within you to deal well with your fears and their information from a position of inner strength.

Here is the poem my mother told me. I learned it by heart, and maybe you’d like to do the same.

There came a giant to my door, a giant fierce and strong

His step was heavy on the ground, his arms were ten yards long

He scowled and frowned and shook the ground, I trembled through and through

At length I looked him in the face and cried, “Who cares for you!”

The mighty giant as I spoke grew pale and thin and small

And through his body as t’were smoke I saw the sunshine fall.

Such giants come to strike us dumb, yet weak in every part

They melt before the strong man’s eyes, and fly the true of heart.

TTFN and all the best , always,  from Elaine Kissel